Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
