just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
