Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
