I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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