I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
