he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
