it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
