We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Pants are for mortals
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
