She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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