you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
