Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
