Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
