This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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