so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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