I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
