I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
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yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
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For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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