someone get that fucking seahorse.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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