Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
