Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
found the other keg... it's in the tree
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
