I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
