Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
