There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
