saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
