i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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