can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
