I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
They took my balls.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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