Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
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I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
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I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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