i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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