Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
