well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
