tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
