I wish I could teleport
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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