bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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