i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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