I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
