Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
