know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
