Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
