i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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