I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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