she looked like the before picture.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
