How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
