WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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