It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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