i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
