Porn is love you can see.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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