My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
