I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
