My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
