Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
