I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
