:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
