He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
