Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He shit in the fireplace
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
