can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
