quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
