I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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