What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
