the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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