so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
did i walk over a car last night?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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