My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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